Irhamnaa yaa Arhamar Raahimiin

Imagine you on the table. Expands helplessly. The buzz of prayers of young doctors, ready to mingle with the knives. Bleeding red blood, Flowing from your veins, Dark colors, Not lost in a flash.

I threw it all away, that bad thought. Abominable torture, For my mind, My blood tribulation for me. A cluster of helpless cups, Numbers bounce inevitably, Tears no longer useful, Humming unstoppable verses, As if I’m going to die today.

When I wanted to run, I turned frantically into the past. To remember, Vision is brief. But … Flood, Mountain erupts, Rain storms, hurricanes, Attacking sadistically. I am ashamed, “my suffering is meaningless”.

My defense should not be cracked, My strength should not be torn, I cultivate this guts, watered millions of love, Humans around me. I do not deserve to surrender, I am against the devil’s villain, Yang void the virtue, the blind knight against the pain.

Blister and stained, Mirror protective wall, Abstinence desperate, To survive, Survive without attacking. Istighfar, I admit Your pleasure, I Admit my Sins, Forgive Me, Irhamnaa yaa Arhamar Raahimiin. #.

Sheer Boredom

I thought I fell in love
At that time
I thought I found true love
At that time
I thought I was happy
At that time

So passionate
So tempestuous
So enchanting
At that time

All become tasteless
I lost my appetite
I lost sense
I even forgot
What I want
All be gone
Exchanged with emptiness

I want to feel it back.

This is sheer boredom? #

“Don’t Ever Feel Guilthy about Removing Toxic People for Our Life. Really??”


It’s not a short story. It’s true story. It happened in real life. I don’t judge that he used his girl friend. I don’t say he is a scammer. Please free to interpret this story. Take everything’s good and bad from this story as a lesson. Again, I gave my ears to listen her story.

Many times she asked waiters to bring strawberry juice.  Does she love strawberry? Or she just nervous about what she talked about? She sips her juice and plays the tall glass with her fingers. Seems the strawberry juice is sour as her experience. I could see it from her face.

She started her story without open her sun glasses.

“He is American and stays in Jakarta, Indonesia. He was my boyfriend. I love him at that time. I know he is not a rich man. Is he cute? He is not. But he is so kind and nice, I felt as a Queen. We had a great relationship. Someday he borrowed money to me. It was so easy to me to give him all my saving without thinking to ask my money back. “

“That’s love is?? Maybe I was just thinking not to make him disappointed, even I was disappointed myself.”

“Then, he borrowed me some money again. I did the same. I gave him some money again, without thinking to ask my money back. It happened many times. I realized he used me. It was still in my thought about using me, when suddenly he said rude to me without a reason.   He said I’m a bitch, fuck around and liar.”

“Another thing, he was so angry, because I wake him up by accident and told him about my bad day. All this became a trigger to break him up.”

“ I control my words, and said to him, “Okay, find a better woman, maybe I am not the right one for you, Good bye.”

He : “I am sorry, I don’t mean it. I am angry because you didn’t pick up my call!”

She : “I was working.”

She : “Please, forgive me!”

She : “I forgive you.”

He :”Are we okay?”

She : “No, I forgive you but I don’t want to back to you anymore.”

He : “Please, it’s my fault, I am sorry.   Please, Back to me.”

She :”No.. We can be friend, but not a lover,”

After that they didn’t communicate each other. More 1 year more he contacted her and wanted to meet her. She refused him. She told him that she had a boyfriend, already (the fact is She had not a boyfriend). Then they communicated as friend, maybe just 3 times talking in a year.

2 years more they didn’t talk each other, suddenly he call her. They became a real friend. They talked more. He told her that he had 2 kids with Indonesian woman, but they didn’t get married. She was so happy to her ex boyfriend.

17 March 2015 somebody sent her text.

“Hi, how are you doing? Hope you fine/ healthy. I want your help very bad please. I don’t have anybody in life except God. He told me in my heart to contact you. Mother of my kids took my saving money & disappear with my kids. Don’t know where is she and why she did that to me. I beg you please if you can help me. I want to exit my visa. I have 2 days left. I don’t want problem with immigration. All I need is 3 million rupiahs. If you can, please do help me. ASAP I got money I pay it to you this time. Please help me. Thanks, my God bless you. Wait your message. Thanks.”

She didn’t reply this text. She was thinking about scammer, She didn’t recognize the number. She got the message again.

“Hello, I am sorry if I disturbing you. Have you received my message I sent you? Hope to hear from you, May Allah bless you.”

She did not reply this message. She got another message: “Evening, sorry may I call you?”

Then she got some missed call to her 3 numbers, She realized, that this guy knew her. Then she picks the call.

He : “Hi, did you get my text?”

She : “Who is this?”

He : “You didn’t save my number?”

She :”Oh, you..what’s up?”

He : “Did you read my text”

She: “Is that from you? About need help?”

He : “Yes. Please help me.”

She: “Sorry, I cannot help this time, I need money too.”

He :”Oh ok, Its fine. Please let me know if you can help. GBU.”

She: “No, I cannot, sorry.”

1 day after talked on the phone, he sent her text:

“My sponsor has BCA (Bank Central Asia). Help me, if you can, I will give you the account number. Sorry for bothering you. Please reply me.  I am already reached Batam, just want anything you could send to Singapore, Can you please? Thank you in advance.”

She : “ Sorry, I cannot.”

He : “Ok, Allah bless you.”

She didn’t reply his last text. 1 days after the text, she got text from his number.

“I wish Allah destroyed you and never help you, and send you to Jahanam (Hell). You are a big Kafir (Atheis). May Allah never a bless you for the rest of your life.”

She was shock read his text. She was at work when reading his text. She just arrived at office in the morning. He made her so angry and felt unfair. Lost all her mood at that day. She should wait her emotion down, but she was not. She replied him with her all emotions.

“WTF, hey did I asked you to pay me back about all money you borrowed? I never ask that. But you said this??? Don’t ever talk to me!!! You decided already, bye.”

He didn’t reply her directly. After work, she got his reply : “ I am sorry, the message send to you by mistake. Not you, okay… Sorry.”

She didn’t reply him.

1 day after, he sent her text again: “Hi, I am back. I am fine and doing well. Please text me your account Number & How much you need. I will transfer to you. Thanks.”

She : “No, I am fine. Thanks.”

Sigh…I can imagine how she feels, how she tried not to be angry, how she care about her boyfriend. But in the end she realized and used her brain more than her feeling. Is it the right decision? I remember about something important from Daniel Kopke (thanks Sean for introduce me about this):

“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance – you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continue” to treat you in harmful way, they need to go.”#

Fake Relationship? (Anthony Part #1)

I am sitting at corner of the café. Seeing the view around me make me remember about my friend sadness. She dated American guy, from Pottsville. His name is Anthony, Indian long hair guy, American Football player. She didn’t fall in love from the first time, but finally she loves him so much. 6 months is the beautiful moment without any problems. Sometimes, she has some feeling about this man, bad feeling, but she is always ignore it.


Someday she open Facebook, and she sees some posts from a woman at Anthony wall. My friend (call her : Tia) post a poetry to Anthony’s wall. Suddenly a woman message to Tia. Her name is Slimmy

Slimmy            : “Are you dating Anthony?

Tia                   : “why?

Slimmy            : “Just seen the beautiful thing you posted to his facebook”

Tia                   : Thank You

Slimmy            : “So what are you to him”

Tia                   : “We are a lover”

Slimmer           : “Oh ok nice. Thanks”

Tia                   : “Ok.”

Tia asks confirmation to Anthony. He said Slimmy is a close friend. Then Tia realized that Anthony blocked her everywhere. So she can’t contact him anymore. Tia send email to Anthony, ask apology if she did worng, etc. She got reply from Anthony that made her shock.

“To start off with no I did not block you. yes I was a bit upset over the situation because she was upset and questioning me as to what all had I told you of her situation. and felt I had betrayed her trust. but I finally got the situation settled. I am sorry but I started to feel like I had to walk on eggshells to not upset you and I can not do that and will not do that. you know my feelings for you they have not changed. but you have felt what you have felt for awhile and there is no changing it. you are a good woman but you need to get past your fears because you sabotage yourself

I hope that you take the advice you are a beautiful and wonderful woman and deserve happiness I am proud of you and your accomplishments. but, you do need to change some of your demeanor. and I am also proud to have had you as part of my life.”

That’s it. Tia is continuing her life, she has no tears anymore. It’s not the first time she got sadness like this.  She had fake relationship. Sad.#

Mario Teguh said (

The weakness of men is too easy to promise

The weakness of women is too easy to trust

pic from :

Shattered Heart

Behold this heart

See and observe

All ravaged

Smashed to pieces



Can not be sewn with thread

It can not be affixed with glue

Irreconcilable with rope

It can not be patched with stained

let destroyed

The heart is no longer useful

There is no fall in love again

There is no deep feelings again

Leave empty without heart

Have you brought away happiness



This pain is common for me

You give me happier lives

A while

Rest assured,

I’m not going to cry about my own death.#

Hard without You, Dad

I opened my eyes …

I breathed my first

this morning

I moved my head

Leaning to the right

I can not see you ….

I moved from my bed

Get out of my room

Scour the room after room in my house

I do not find you too …

Barefoot, I stepped my foot

break through the thatch

Edges pierce my feet

It did not feel sore

If I compare my miss most to you

Stepped on sharp gravels

The soles of my feet bleed

Felt cut-iris …

But the pain is not felt

Compared to this longing to you

Quiet, I do not find one


the loneliness that I think

in my heart

The plants so quite

As if they know how I feel

without you.

Miss you, Dad…#